A Walk With Purpose
A story I wanted to share from my friend's wedding that has stuck with me and is truly something I hold near to my heart.
Their wedding was at a beautiful vineyard up in Northern California.
It was the day of the rehearsal before the wedding and we all gathered to find out where we’d be standing and who we’d be walking with as groomsmen.
Stand here. Walk like this. Simple enough.
Eventually, we all shared dinner together from one of the best pizzerias I’ve had in quite some time…
And at one point I saw little Layla turn on explorer mode and start running.
Layla, the daughter of two of my closest friends, is only about 16 months old, but she’s got so much personality.
When I saw her take off running, I told the mom and her grandmothers, “Don’t worry I got this.”
I kind of just wanted them to be able to share this beautiful moment with the sun setting without having to worry about a runaway toddler.
I picked Layla up and at first, she was a little distressed, not wanting to be held, but then I remembered, “Ah she’s a baby, she just needs to be occupied with something”
Four plastic cups all stacked together did the trick.
I had her calmed down and finally chilled out, so I decided to go on a walk with her around the winery while everyone else enjoyed the rest of their dinner.
I didn’t expect this walk to be such a powerful rush of energy in my life.
The sunset was just so damn gorgeous and holding Layla on this walk I had a massive moment of clarity.
“I want this” kept running through my mind over and over again.
And I verbally said out loud as tears rushed to my eyes, “What the fuck am I doing?”
You know, you guys pretty much get to hear from me every day, sometimes you’ll read posts from me that are a bit more esoteric…
Sometimes it’s just me talking about the shit I’m thinking about, mainly the gym or how we can succeed in life…
But sometimes the posts will be pretty emotional…
And I don’t always explain the context behind them.
So about 2-3 months ago, I had a pretty bad breakup with a girl that I was really into…
It’s not that it was an ugly breakup or we acted like assholes to each other, it was just so unexpected for me.
And when I fall in love, I fall hard.
So when that breakup happened, I definitely took a hit to my ego and self-esteem.
A feeling of “not worthy enough” took over my entire paradigm.
I had been going hard into orthodoxy, and I tried turning to prayer and church to work through the problem but it did fuck all for me.
The problem was still there, I still felt the pain, and no amount of sitting and praying was helping me.
So I went on a casual spree, one-night stands, and all the shit I’ve literally published on here that I’m against.
In total cognitive dissonance, I justified all of my actions.
I did it because I wanted to feel worthy and desired, the rush of taking a girl from stranger to a single dosage of intimacy just made me feel better.
But it was like this feeling of inadequacy was a weed growing in the garden…
And all this casual BS was just the dirt that I shoveled on top to try and hide the weed.
But it kept breaking through over and over again.
I can’t run from what I really want.
There’s this quote from Earl Nightingale’s The Strangest Secret talking about how successful people think and it gives me goosebumps every time I hear it…
“They have a burning desire to succeed despite all handicaps, they know exactly what they want, they think about it every day of their lives, it gets them up in the morning, and it keeps them giving their very best in life. It’s the last thing they think about before dropping off to sleep at night. They have a vision of exactly what they want to do.”
And holding Layla on that walk with tears filling my eyes, I saw my real vision again, not the one I had crafted with lies and justifications.
It’s what I’ve spent so much time thinking about, but ultimately when it failed me with my last relationship, I abandoned it completely to make myself feel better.
I really believe men can walk two paths in life when it comes to our relationships with women…
Either you stay chasing pleasure…
Or you choose commitment.
And commitment is for YOU, pleasure is ultimately for everyone else.
Do I want all of these casual relationships for me? Or do I just want them to show off and serve my ego?
It’s the latter.
You choose a family for YOU.
When I asked myself, “What the fuck am I doing”, I could justify it and say just having fun…
But the truth is I was getting further and further from experiencing a moment like the one I was sharing with Layla, but with my own kids.
I was getting further and further from the true love and commitment my friends were stepping into with their marriage.
And when I asked myself the honest question, is this what you want?
It was a resounding yes.
People will say, “Nick you’re 23 you need to slow down.”
They don’t understand why I have what I have at this age, it’s because I don’t give a shit about my age.
I never let it hold me back.
A lot of reflection followed in the days that followed…
What woman do I want?
Who does she need to be?
What are the non-negotiables?
How do I set myself up to be in the best position possible?
And what’s funny is that I shared this with some folks, and they said that’s not how it works, it just happens…
But that’s not how I view it and it’s not the paradigm I’m going to take on.
“They know exactly what they want, they think about it every day of their lives”
That’s the worldview I’m committing to.
And I’m not letting any more bullshit pleasure-seeking stray me from that.
All in.