Straying From The Path

Just some thoughts from an evening drive...

I’ve been distant from god.

I think the idea of perfection intimidated me, it felt almost impossible.

I can’t do the American protestant version of Christianity…

It just seems like a commercialized bullshit wishy-washy version, and to be honest, at times feels very disrespectful.

I went to Orthodoxy because I wanted to go straight to the source with no alterations.

A lot of people don’t know this but in 1054 the church split into catholicism and orthodoxy.

Catholicism then went on to create all of these different branches of christianity, started selling spots in heaven to people, and also covered up the fact that an alarming amount of priests were also pedophiles.

And orthodoxy never changed, no new sects, no kid touching, just the good ole father, son, and holy spirit.

It just felt like it was purer.

I’ll never forget this conversation I had with the father in my church…

He told me that it’s a narrow path to get to Heaven, not the highway to Heaven.

Orthodoxy is a very difficult path to walk especially in the modern world where everything is so tempting and seductive.

Honestly one of the hardest parts for me was the idea of not being able to have sex with a woman until marriage

It just felt to me that was a great way to set myself up for an unsuccessful marriage or an unpredictable marriage

So rather than taking that as one of the parts of the religion that I may be disagreed with, I just threw the whole thing out the window…

I stopped following it entirely and my actions caught up with me today.

It’s only when I’m sober I can talk to god.

After a few weeks of traveling and drinking with friends, I finally arrived at a place where I can be a little bit more in control of my consumption and it cleared up a lot of space for me.

God really wants to fill in that space.

And he’s asking me, begging me, to step into that role as the leader that I’m supposed to be

Whenever I think, “I can’t walk this path it’s just so hard” the only response I get back is “this is what you’re supposed to do, it doesn’t matter if it’s hard or easy you neglecting this is you neglecting your path”

I only ignore God I guess when it’s convenient for me.

It’s so difficult to walk the narrow path that sometimes I just opt in for jumping off entirely.

More exploratory writing on this to come.